my love makes me cry

i feel such a strong desire to care for another soul,

another being, and for that being to care for me as well.

it rips me apart that i can’t see my baby dusty everyday,

i can’t play with him and cuddle with him, or tell him how much i love him.

even though he may not understand my words, he certainly knows 

when i tilt my heart and emphasize my words clearly

I love you Dusty. I love you so so much.

He knows that I love him, despite his flaws.

When he lashes out at me, possessive over food, when he runs away from me as i call to him, i love him.

i care for his little soul so deeply and completely, he can’t comprehend it.

I would do anything for my little guy.

it shows me how Jesus loves me.

that i’m 6 hours away from him, and he doesn’t know,

he doesn’t know where i am or why i left him.

he’s home

i’m alone

i’m here, missing him much.

ouch!

~

me, as always, ಠ_ಥ

-holz (>人<)

~

a note: reading this actually brings me to tears. my love for my baby boy dusty is so deep. i have loved him, currently love him, and continue to love him through all seasons of our lives. my love for him supersedes any temporary grievances. he may appear to be “just a dog,” but to me, he is my cuddly little companion, my forever furry friend, and my little bundle of joy.

while i know that the love between a human and an animal falls beneath the love humans share for each other, i believe the love humans and animals have for each other is a great example of God’s love for His people. experiencing a deep love for another being in my own life really helps me to understand God’s perfect Love, which i tend to greatly underestimate. while my love for any being, including dusty, is flawed in my humanity, loving him has taught me what it means to TRULY love another being: freely, compassionately and oh-so whole-heartedly.

I love him SO- SO MUCH.

day 107; // lead me to heaven

Wow.

It is SO EASY to be jealous.

It is SO EASY to envy.

It’s easy to believe lies.

~

If only-you were-rich enough. As we all know rich = fixed. Always.”

If only-you were-good enough. If only you could dance like them. If only you could be like them. It’s too late now, just look around. Started competing when they were 2, and now they’re soooOOOoooo much better than you.”

If only-you were-smart enough. Look at these geniuses who don’t have to study, they’re gonna out there be makin some moneeeey!! It’s easy for them to live, just watch and see.”

~

All of these “people” are simply NOT ME.

Their character traits are just DIFFERENT from mine.

Their lives & mine do not intertwine.

AND THAT’S OKAY…

…because I am very happy with ME.

~~~

I am beginning to realize that I am simply not everyone else. It’s very clear when I write it down like that, but it’s hard to actually believe and be okay with.

My talents are different. My direction is different. My personality is different.

From everyone else

And it is okay. I am who God created me to be. I find comfort in knowing that HE made me, he created me intentionally and with a purpose. I have a different calling in life than the people around me that are “better” at certain things than I am.

The have traits/talents/things that I don’t, and VICE VERSA. I might be “better” at forgiving others than that “perfect dancer” I see on my instagram. Perhaps I am “better” at writing than the math genius in my Calculus class. Even though I’m not rich in money, I might experience richer joy in my day-to-day life than the excessively wealthy billionaire I saw in the news.

No one is perfect, and I’m learning more and more each day what it means to TRUST GOD when life is going well, AND when it beats me down. He is with me THROUGH IT ALL.

Sometimes I just don’t see it, know it, or feel it. He is there. He LOVES US. & I love Him.

~~~

I hope you find joy today, whatever your plans may entail.

much love,

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

13 “For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

-Psalm 139:13-14

day 95 i’m thriving

… for the most part!!
Obviously there have been some rough moments due to the huge adjustment to college life and other various circumstances beyond my control, though on the whole I am pretty dang proud of myself for doing as well as I am so far.

“So far” is an important little phrase to note here. I want to take everything just one day at a time. I’m taking the good times with a grain of salt, knowing that the bad times will come, and that I can and will get through them.

When I say that I’m doing “well,” I’m judging this based off of only my own internal standards, not external ones. It can be so easy to appear all put together and like you’re “living your best life” on the outside and on social media, but are you really happy? Does partying at the clubs and fixating on empty relationships really, truly satisfy you? I know that going out and partying at clubs will NOT fill the longing in my heart for community and friendship. I have decided NOW, one week into my college experience, what I want it to look like, (generally. I know I can’t control every tiny detail).

My “ideal college experience” is not hooking up with random strangers, partying at clubs and partaking in other similar “normal college” behavior. It is growing in my faith, walking with people who love and support me, and challenging myself to meet my goals and stick to my standards.

I can say that overall, I know in my heart that I’m where I’m meant to be.

It sounds very dramatic, but I really feel that I was called to attend Florida State University. I just love it so much so far. There have been very annoying walks up steep hills and other grievances of the like, yet I feel peaceful knowing that I am right where I belong at this point in my life.

I love feeling confident in God’s love for me. I love truly realizing that His love for me is so real and so unique that literally nothing in this world can truly satisfy me but Him. He DIED for me. He died for us. How often do I take that for granted? A lot, I’ll tell you. But he loves us. He loves us so much and I can’t believe it sometimes.

I have so much to learn, so much to do and so many hills to climb (figuratively and literally). And I am ready for them.

-Holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

“I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour. I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His.” -Saint Catherine of Genoa