day 30

summer 2019

(ah)

i feel so much pressure for these blog posts to be “good.” it’s scary to do something genuine and honest because it hurts more if you receive criticism for it. sometimes it can be easier to do things that are less ‘real’ and less important to you. i have decided that i am going to stick to my original intentions for creating this website, which was to make a little place for me to just write/create whatever the heck i want.

~

so

today, i went to the beach,

and i went swimming in my clothes,

and i played with the younger girls, laughed with the older girls, danced with all the girls on stage.

~

tomorrow is my absolute last time dancing with my team.

it will never be the same again. oof.

that’s a lot to swallow.

~

i’m getting my hair cut on saturday.

</–holz3->

day 28

summer 2019, thoughts

GASP – Hold it …

grey …..

you didn’t pick me.

flash of RED – Let it out.

(⁎˃ᆺ˂)

breathe breather breathest !!!!

!! … !!

-“No,” is more, they say.

“Yes,” is less.

-Well ! “No” is a LOT more because a SINGLE YES, I’ve never heard.

From me to you now here’s the truth: The hypocrites aren’t genuine, they’re actually irrelevant. The ones who smile at second one are the first to say they’re done — with you. So maybe it is a good thing that you didn’t pick me now. I’ll be the first to walk away from two-faced you, leaving your dishonesty. On the floor. Where you belong, Not above Me, because us, we are EQUAL. So respond, or recoil. “Yes” there’s a different side to me.

It’s the same: more “No” ‘s, nose blows and sadness waves, less being the hopeful one. Better you and worser me, it’s okay I’m being free.

The worst they can say is “No” – I’ve heard – …”No” it’s a good thing. I don’t know your life but I know mine. “No” can make you stronger and freer. It can liberate you, if used sparingly. Too many “No” ‘s in a row, though, really takes a toll on me.

-h

***sometimes it’s hard for me to describe things in a paragraph form. (ex/ “this happened and this is how it made me feel …”) complete sentences often don’t do a justice to the way an emotion actually feels for me, so i just kinda write things out like this in my own style. i don’t wanna say it’s “poetry” per say. it’s more like lyrics, because i read stuff that i write like this in a particular way when i read it in my head, with certain pauses and emphasis on different words. though this may not tell a story in a flat-out, verbatim way, it tells a very genuine story for me & i hope anyone who finds themself reading this can at least recognize and appreciate that. (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

i am also hesitant to post a blog post like this, but hey, if i get so many “No” ‘s anyway, why not?