day 74 *

This past week I attended my dance studio’s summer intensive, which consists of classes taught by guest teachers brought in from around the country. During their time here they teach us classes and choreograph some of our competition team’s dances for the upcoming season. This year I’m not going to be on the competition team because I’m going off to college and, well, I’m too old for it now. I still took all the classes from the guest teachers though because there is so much to learn from them and each of their lovely unique styles.

In each class we are taught a combination, and usually I hate doing combos because picking up choreography quickly is something I’ve always struggled with. During this intensive though, I tried to let go of my mental blocks that always prohibit me from tapping into my full potential, and just DANCE.

I pushed away all my obsessive negative thoughts that I always tell myself, from, “Look, she did that better than you, you suck” to “You’re so bad at picking up choreography there’s no way you can do this” to “You’re so terrible you should stop dancing altogether” and I just focused.

I focused on the combo, I focused on myself, and I didn’t focus on obsessing over how “bad” I am. I put all my energy into those classes. I’m especially proud of the mental energy I put into them. It opened doors for me and I’m starting to have more hope in myself, not just in dance but in other aspects of life as well. Dance is empowering, if you have the right attitude and aren’t always tearing yourself down, which is something I’ve had to relearn over and over and over again this year.

I’m still growing.

It turns out I was the only one truly holding myself back. *

-HOLZ

* Not Them.

day 30

(ah)

i feel so much pressure for these blog posts to be “good.” it’s scary to do something genuine and honest because it hurts more if you receive criticism for it. sometimes it can be easier to do things that are less ‘real’ and less important to you. i have decided that i am going to stick to my original intentions for creating this website, which was to make a little place for me to just write/create whatever the heck i want.

~

so

today, i went to the beach,

and i went swimming in my clothes,

and i played with the younger girls, laughed with the older girls, danced with all the girls on stage.

~

tomorrow is my absolute last time dancing with my team.

it will never be the same again. oof.

that’s a lot to swallow.

~

i’m getting my hair cut on saturday.

</–holz3->

day 27 feelin’ like heaven

woooo hoooo annnd im back with another blog post coming at you live from fort lauderdale florida. today was the “beginning to the end” so to speak. Today was the first day of my last ever nationals dance competition. #graduatedsenior 😎

i am so happy with the performances i gave on both of my solos today and could really care less about the letters on the medals i received (names of different score placements). i just did the best i could and i am so proud of myself for that.

^^ this whole mindset here really ties into my day 16 post, in which i went off about how life is:

[In life] No one is going to give you compliments all the time. It’s up to YOU to develop your OWN guidelines by which to judge yourself … YOU have to give yourself YOUR OWN praise, based on whether you have met the criteria you established for yourself, because no one will praise you. PRAISE YOURSELF when you deserve it …

— Me 11 days ago

with that being said….

YAY ME!!!!!!

Also I think I may have messed up my days numbering somewhere when i missed some days……

ehhh

-holz !

*(dO excuse me for quoting myself in this post kind madame/sir, i simply am quite in love with the above block of text that I wrote 11 days ago)

**EDIT: i completely DID mess up the days so i went back and fixed it. i only messed up yesterday, which was actually day 26, not 24, as I had originally stated. so, THAT MEANS that today is day 27 of my blog posts. whew. glad i fixed that.

day 4’s a little sore ~

today was DRESS REHEARSAL for my last ever dance recital.

I’ll probably be back in subsequent years to help out backstage, but it was my last dress rehearsal as a dancer at my studio. it hasn’t really sunken in yet that i’m almost done with dance life as i know it, it just doesn’t really feel REAL ya’know?

I don’t know if i’m accepting it or if i’m just in denial. 🤔

I spent basically all day there (9-5:30). it was a 35 minute drive, and that doesn’t sound like very much but it felt reallllly longggg because it wasn’t just highway driving, it was through a bunch of backroads. and i was alone. literally drove down 3 roads until they dead ended. i just kept driving and turning and driving until i had to turn again. love that.

this coming week, i hope that i can:::

-hangout with my friends

-have the motivation to study for physics and act upon that motivation by actually studying

-go to Cocoa Beach and possibly Orlando

i am ~ sore ~ but i have #recital2k19 tmr so gotta push through!!!!

ok i’m just gonna end this post here bc i feel like i’m rambling. ✌️

until tomorrow !! ‘, >

-holz