day 95 i’m thriving

… for the most part!!
Obviously there have been some rough moments due to the huge adjustment to college life and other various circumstances beyond my control, though on the whole I am pretty dang proud of myself for doing as well as I am so far.

“So far” is an important little phrase to note here. I want to take everything just one day at a time. I’m taking the good times with a grain of salt, knowing that the bad times will come, and that I can and will get through them.

When I say that I’m doing “well,” I’m judging this based off of only my own internal standards, not external ones. It can be so easy to appear all put together and like you’re “living your best life” on the outside and on social media, but are you really happy? Does partying at the clubs and fixating on empty relationships really, truly satisfy you? I know that going out and partying at clubs will NOT fill the longing in my heart for community and friendship. I have decided NOW, one week into my college experience, what I want it to look like, (generally. I know I can’t control every tiny detail).

My “ideal college experience” is not hooking up with random strangers, partying at clubs and partaking in other similar “normal college” behavior. It is growing in my faith, walking with people who love and support me, and challenging myself to meet my goals and stick to my standards.

I can say that overall, I know in my heart that I’m where I’m meant to be.

It sounds very dramatic, but I really feel that I was called to attend Florida State University. I just love it so much so far. There have been very annoying walks up steep hills and other grievances of the like, yet I feel peaceful knowing that I am right where I belong at this point in my life.

I love feeling confident in God’s love for me. I love truly realizing that His love for me is so real and so unique that literally nothing in this world can truly satisfy me but Him. He DIED for me. He died for us. How often do I take that for granted? A lot, I’ll tell you. But he loves us. He loves us so much and I can’t believe it sometimes.

I have so much to learn, so much to do and so many hills to climb (figuratively and literally). And I am ready for them.

-Holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

“I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour. I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His.” -Saint Catherine of Genoa

day 87

“I don’t know where I’m going” -NO HALO; BROCKHAMPTON

This is my first blog post in college.

I am writing this on my phone sitting in my dorm room bed.

I have very mixed feelings about everything and I just feel so bifurcated having all my stuff split between here and back home.

I’m trying to just take it one day at a time and not get too emotional on either spectrum. (excited/sad)

I’m going on a retreat through the Catholic Student Union tomorrow and I feel very peaceful about that. I’m really looking forward to it.

I feel like a terrible dancer for all the accolades I lack.

I miss my dog more than words can say. I feel tears in my eyes whenever I see the picture of him that’s hanging on my dorm wall, or when I just think about how cute and fluffy he is. Shoot gotta stop I’m crying.

I’m worried about all my classes. I’m scared I won’t find time to do everything that needs to get done.

I’m worried time will fly and I’ll look back having regrets about opportunities I didn’t take advantage of, and I’m also worried that time will tick by so slowly that college will feel like prison.

I’m excited to live on my own and make my own decisions. I feel ready to stand up for myself and further evolve into the person I am becoming.

I’m anxious that I won’t manage my money well and I’ll end up spending above my means each month.

I hope that eat healthy and substantial meals everyday.

I hope I remember to put MYSELF first when it comes to making big decisions that affect ME. I hope I remember to put OTHERS first in order to treat everyone with kindness and love.

~

Right now I am listening to the album GINGER by BROCKHAMPTON. I really love this album. I watched all of the live premieres on youtube of all the singles. I have been anticipating this album all summer.

Last night was a very special night, because it was the day I moved into my dorm, AND the night GINGER was released.

At midnight, I laid on my new dorm bed hugging my GINGER merch hoodie I had ordered a few weeks ago, smiling and gaping at how much I loved it, and in those moments I felt so okay.

I realized that I can listen to my favorite band’s new album whenever I want, and I know that everything will be okay.

I wish I could’ve gone to the Friday Therapy concert in LA tonight. Someday, I *WILL* see BROCKHAMPTON live.

xx

Much love,

-holz

day 84

i leave for college tomorrow !! AHH

today my mom and i drove all over town doing a bunch of things on my “to do before i leave” list, which was mostly just going to my favorite local restaurants one more time before i go. i really didn’t think i’d get to go to any of them before i left, but to my happy surprise we ended up checking off almost every restaurant on the list! yay!

this morning we went to one of my favorite açai bowl places for breakfast. next we went to the beach so i could to say ‘goodbye for now’ to the atlantic ocean, because i will be relatively close to the gulf of mexico. then we went to my favorite beachside burrito place for lunch, and after we headed for my followup appointment for my wisdom teeth.

at the followup appointment, the nurse said that i’m healing nicely and everything looks good! whew! i also do not have to continue taking the antibiotic that makes me extremely nauseous! WHEW!

next i went to say goodbye to my grandpa and uncle. tomorrow i will say goodbye to my other grandpa & grandma when we drop dusty (my dog) off at their house for them to kindly watch him while my parents help me get settled in tallahassee.

thank goodness for a fun day with my momma. now time to finish packing up and enjoy my last night at home for a while.

i’m definitely planning to come home for thanksgiving & Christmas break, and i also might come home sometime in october because we get a random day off somewhere within that month. my parents & other family members are coming up for the FSU v. NSCU game on 9/28 so i’ll see them soon! i’m gonna miss dusty sooo much hopefully my mom can bring him if she comes to visit!

~ t-minus 1 day ~

excited & scared, ^̮^

happy & sad. ◔̯◔

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Ephesians 2:14 – “For he is our peace.”

day43 (2befree)

I remember the very first time I left my dog, then young puppy, for more than a few hours when my family and I went on a summer vacation in 2012.

I missed him on the trip so much that my heart physically hurt, and I cried while we were on vacation, obsessing over how much I missed him. On the plane ride home, I even edited a very dramatic video slideshow with photos of him on my iPad 2. I missed out on the trip I was blessed to be taken on by fixating on the thing, (or in this case, animal), I missed about home, even though we were only gone for about 1 week.

I can rationally anticipate some challenging times in my transition to college life, but I can pretty much guarantee you I won’t be making video slideshows demonstrating how much I’ll miss home.

Instead of dwelling on the things I’ll miss about home like I did on that vacation in 2012, I will strive to live in/enjoy the present. I have so many things to be excited about at college, like a huge campus to explore, new friendships, and academic challenges I am ready to face.

I feel a lot more excited about college now that I’ve attended orientation. It seems significantly less scary and strikingly more exciting 😀

& I hope that my excitement continues to grow and offset the sad things about moving on from this era of my life, like how much I’ll miss home, my precious dog, and every wonderful thing I’ve ever known in the small town in which I have lived in my whole life thus far.

i am ready

2bfree

.

~this post is dedicated to my dog dusty🐶💕~

thankyouforreadingg ✨

-holz

day 40

i’m on my way to college orientation!!

it’s so weird that i’m actually gonna be starting college soon and everything will be different. it’s not just an idea or an obscure future plan anymore, it’s actually happening.

i have also learned some interesting facts in the past week,

did you know that:

-Koalas are actually marsupials, not bears.

-The past participle of “shear” is “shorn.” (ex/ “see sheep being shorn”)

-Stranger Things 3 is REALLLLY GOOOD

?

#facts

i hope u smile today ☺️

-holz