snap and it's over

I have so many pieces in my pockets, sometimes I wonder
what would happen if they – crept out – fell out – leapt out –
for the world to see.
To know what they mean to me.
To believe or not believe, me.

See, you don’t see how:
I’ve collected and I’ve kept them,
hid them and erased them,
seen them pristinely polished.

See, you don’t see how they fit together,
how they all originate from this
one
whole
sheet
of
broken
glass,

shattered into pieces from this blast,
exclusively eclectic secret relics,
hidden
from everyone
the universe
and you.

-holz

/* 23:20 */

Look

~Look at where you are~
You’ve made it to this moment.
The bonds that held you yesterday,
are powerless today.

~Look at where you started~
You used to be so far away,
longing for today.
Now it’s here, do not fear,
I love you just the same.

~The fact that you’re alive is a miracle~
Out of all the lands and all the seas,
Centuries and people’s needs,
You’ve been chosen now.
We love you here, today.

~Just stay alive~
I know sometimes it might seem hard,
easier to die.
One day your time will come.
Dying’s not for you, right now.
You’re wanted here, today.

You’re beautiful and powerful,
believe it baby,

~That would be enough~

~~~

-holz

/* my 5 favorite lines from Hamilton, realized */

What's stopping you?

If you want to do something, what’s stopping you?
If you want to be someone, who’s stopping you?

~Could it be~
the masked crusaders,
who wield their pick-axes,
stabbing you at every turn?

~Or is it~
the inner lion,
Your personal defender,
howling in surrender
when you bend, when you cave, when you break…

…conforming to the rules (they) create?

I dare to ask:

Who gave THEM the Power?
What gave IT Control?
of YOUR life, which you own fully,
100% autonomously, in your
gentle
loving
hands.

Your heart is yours and yours alone.
Decide who can handle it, (for yourself!)

These voices, the voices, those voices
Do not know who you are.
They are cannot comprehend your power,
your boldness,
your you-ness,
You GODDESS!

You are unique, unstoppable, full of unceasing beauty.

This is YOUR life.

LIVE IT.

How YOU want.

-HOLLY

/* ~an inevitable cumulation of emotion and thoughts~ */

my love makes me cry

i feel such a strong desire to care for another soul,

another being, and for that being to care for me as well.

it rips me apart that i can’t see my baby dusty everyday,

i can’t play with him and cuddle with him, or tell him how much i love him.

even though he may not understand my words, he certainly knows 

when i tilt my heart and emphasize my words clearly

I love you Dusty. I love you so so much.

He knows that I love him, despite his flaws.

When he lashes out at me, possessive over food, when he runs away from me as i call to him, i love him.

i care for his little soul so deeply and completely, he can’t comprehend it.

I would do anything for my little guy.

it shows me how Jesus loves me.

that i’m 6 hours away from him, and he doesn’t know,

he doesn’t know where i am or why i left him.

he’s home

i’m alone

i’m here, missing him much.

ouch!

~

me, as always, ಠ_ಥ

-holz (>人<)

~

a note: reading this actually brings me to tears. my love for my baby boy dusty is so deep. i have loved him, currently love him, and continue to love him through all seasons of our lives. my love for him supersedes any temporary grievances. he may appear to be “just a dog,” but to me, he is my cuddly little companion, my forever furry friend, and my little bundle of joy.

while i know that the love between a human and an animal falls beneath the love humans share for each other, i believe the love humans and animals have for each other is a great example of God’s love for His people. experiencing a deep love for another being in my own life really helps me to understand God’s perfect Love, which i tend to greatly underestimate. while my love for any being, including dusty, is flawed in my humanity, loving him has taught me what it means to TRULY love another being: freely, compassionately and oh-so whole-heartedly.

I love him SO- SO MUCH.

i lost track

WOW ~ mentally i keep putting so much pressure on myself to post on this blog that i just never do anymore. that makes me SAD.

SO, to prove to myself that all my posts on here don’t have to be long, eloquently worded and “perfect,” for today all I will say is:

~~~

I miss my friends back home, in my hometown, my home.

I miss local food, my pool, my bed.

I miss driving, I miss my publix.

I miss my baby boy, Dusty.

I miss home.

~~~

That’s all.

-holz

day 107; // lead me to heaven

Wow.

It is SO EASY to be jealous.

It is SO EASY to envy.

It’s easy to believe lies.

~

If only-you were-rich enough. As we all know rich = fixed. Always.”

If only-you were-good enough. If only you could dance like them. If only you could be like them. It’s too late now, just look around. Started competing when they were 2, and now they’re soooOOOoooo much better than you.”

If only-you were-smart enough. Look at these geniuses who don’t have to study, they’re gonna out there be makin some moneeeey!! It’s easy for them to live, just watch and see.”

~

All of these “people” are simply NOT ME.

Their character traits are just DIFFERENT from mine.

Their lives & mine do not intertwine.

AND THAT’S OKAY…

…because I am very happy with ME.

~~~

I am beginning to realize that I am simply not everyone else. It’s very clear when I write it down like that, but it’s hard to actually believe and be okay with.

My talents are different. My direction is different. My personality is different.

From everyone else

And it is okay. I am who God created me to be. I find comfort in knowing that HE made me, he created me intentionally and with a purpose. I have a different calling in life than the people around me that are “better” at certain things than I am.

The have traits/talents/things that I don’t, and VICE VERSA. I might be “better” at forgiving others than that “perfect dancer” I see on my instagram. Perhaps I am “better” at writing than the math genius in my Calculus class. Even though I’m not rich in money, I might experience richer joy in my day-to-day life than the excessively wealthy billionaire I saw in the news.

No one is perfect, and I’m learning more and more each day what it means to TRUST GOD when life is going well, AND when it beats me down. He is with me THROUGH IT ALL.

Sometimes I just don’t see it, know it, or feel it. He is there. He LOVES US. & I love Him.

~~~

I hope you find joy today, whatever your plans may entail.

much love,

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

13 “For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

-Psalm 139:13-14

day 105 of my blog

“18 years ago today, 3000 people would be spending their last night with their family.”

Oof.

chills. heavy heart.

Always remember, Never forget.

~

It with sorrow that we, as a nation and as a world, begin our annual remembrance of, and reflection upon, the tragedy that occurred on 9/11/2001. Tomorrow will be 18 years since the terrorist attack took place.

Every September 11th we see special TV programs, heartbreaking social media posts, and ‘new’ personal testimonies/stories shared.

Although I was born almost a whole year before it happened, I’ve only ever known a world drastically and irrevocably adapted to the repercussions of this attack.

Security, Protocols and Precautions are everywhere.

“September 11th TV shows” are all I’ve known. I could not comprehend, at the age of 10 months old, what happened on 9/11/2001. I’ve learned about it in retrospect, through stories from my family members and a few select home videos. (In one video of my mom & I at a ‘mommy and me’ class, you can hear my mom in the background talking about “how the jet fuel was so bad that…”)

Perhaps some part of my brain, deep deep down, remembers what it was like to live through that day.

It’s easy for me to feel distant from 9/11 because I do not remember it happening.

It is important, though, to remember that every year I can get something new out of our nation’s annual mourning and reflection. I might see something from a new perspective, learn something I did not previously know, or be moved to live more compassionately, because the world needs Love.

This year, before 9/11/2019 actually came, I was pierced by the quote I included at the top of this post. It gives me chills. This is a new perspective that I had not seen for the past 18 September Eleventh’s of my life.

Every year is different.

And that is okay.

~

I also added pictures near the top of this post from my visit to the 9/11 Memorial in NYC, July 2017.

~

I hope my point came across.

I’m going to sleep.

Maybe for the last time.

-holz </3

You just never know which day will be your last.