my love makes me cry

i feel such a strong desire to care for another soul,

another being, and for that being to care for me as well.

it rips me apart that i can’t see my baby dusty everyday,

i can’t play with him and cuddle with him, or tell him how much i love him.

even though he may not understand my words, he certainly knows 

when i tilt my heart and emphasize my words clearly

I love you Dusty. I love you so so much.

He knows that I love him, despite his flaws.

When he lashes out at me, possessive over food, when he runs away from me as i call to him, i love him.

i care for his little soul so deeply and completely, he can’t comprehend it.

I would do anything for my little guy.

it shows me how Jesus loves me.

that i’m 6 hours away from him, and he doesn’t know,

he doesn’t know where i am or why i left him.

he’s home

i’m alone

i’m here, missing him much.

ouch!

~

me, as always, ಠ_ಥ

-holz (>人<)

~

a note: reading this actually brings me to tears. my love for my baby boy dusty is so deep. i have loved him, currently love him, and continue to love him through all seasons of our lives. my love for him supersedes any temporary grievances. he may appear to be “just a dog,” but to me, he is my cuddly little companion, my forever furry friend, and my little bundle of joy.

while i know that the love between a human and an animal falls beneath the love humans share for each other, i believe the love humans and animals have for each other is a great example of God’s love for His people. experiencing a deep love for another being in my own life really helps me to understand God’s perfect Love, which i tend to greatly underestimate. while my love for any being, including dusty, is flawed in my humanity, loving him has taught me what it means to TRULY love another being: freely, compassionately and oh-so whole-heartedly.

I love him SO- SO MUCH.

day 107; // lead me to heaven

Wow.

It is SO EASY to be jealous.

It is SO EASY to envy.

It’s easy to believe lies.

~

If only-you were-rich enough. As we all know rich = fixed. Always.”

If only-you were-good enough. If only you could dance like them. If only you could be like them. It’s too late now, just look around. Started competing when they were 2, and now they’re soooOOOoooo much better than you.”

If only-you were-smart enough. Look at these geniuses who don’t have to study, they’re gonna out there be makin some moneeeey!! It’s easy for them to live, just watch and see.”

~

All of these “people” are simply NOT ME.

Their character traits are just DIFFERENT from mine.

Their lives & mine do not intertwine.

AND THAT’S OKAY…

…because I am very happy with ME.

~~~

I am beginning to realize that I am simply not everyone else. It’s very clear when I write it down like that, but it’s hard to actually believe and be okay with.

My talents are different. My direction is different. My personality is different.

From everyone else

And it is okay. I am who God created me to be. I find comfort in knowing that HE made me, he created me intentionally and with a purpose. I have a different calling in life than the people around me that are “better” at certain things than I am.

The have traits/talents/things that I don’t, and VICE VERSA. I might be “better” at forgiving others than that “perfect dancer” I see on my instagram. Perhaps I am “better” at writing than the math genius in my Calculus class. Even though I’m not rich in money, I might experience richer joy in my day-to-day life than the excessively wealthy billionaire I saw in the news.

No one is perfect, and I’m learning more and more each day what it means to TRUST GOD when life is going well, AND when it beats me down. He is with me THROUGH IT ALL.

Sometimes I just don’t see it, know it, or feel it. He is there. He LOVES US. & I love Him.

~~~

I hope you find joy today, whatever your plans may entail.

much love,

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

13 “For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

-Psalm 139:13-14

day 28

GASP – Hold it …

grey …..

you didn’t pick me.

flash of RED – Let it out.

(⁎˃ᆺ˂)

breathe breather breathest !!!!

!! … !!

-“No,” is more, they say.

“Yes,” is less.

-Well ! “No” is a LOT more because a SINGLE YES, I’ve never heard.

From me to you now here’s the truth: The hypocrites aren’t genuine, they’re actually irrelevant. The ones who smile at second one are the first to say they’re done — with you. So maybe it is a good thing that you didn’t pick me now. I’ll be the first to walk away from two-faced you, leaving your dishonesty. On the floor. Where you belong, Not above Me, because us, we are EQUAL. So respond, or recoil. “Yes” there’s a different side to me.

It’s the same: more “No” ‘s, nose blows and sadness waves, less being the hopeful one. Better you and worser me, it’s okay I’m being free.

The worst they can say is “No” – I’ve heard – …”No” it’s a good thing. I don’t know your life but I know mine. “No” can make you stronger and freer. It can liberate you, if used sparingly. Too many “No” ‘s in a row, though, really takes a toll on me.

-h

***sometimes it’s hard for me to describe things in a paragraph form. (ex/ “this happened and this is how it made me feel …”) complete sentences often don’t do a justice to the way an emotion actually feels for me, so i just kinda write things out like this in my own style. i don’t wanna say it’s “poetry” per say. it’s more like lyrics, because i read stuff that i write like this in a particular way when i read it in my head, with certain pauses and emphasis on different words. though this may not tell a story in a flat-out, verbatim way, it tells a very genuine story for me & i hope anyone who finds themself reading this can at least recognize and appreciate that. (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

i am also hesitant to post a blog post like this, but hey, if i get so many “No” ‘s anyway, why not?

In Defense of Myself (day 16)

Tomorrow I turn 18 and 1/2 years old.

Today I decided to compile a list of LIFE LESSONS I have learned in the past 4.

[The following is what I would assertively tell my 14 and 1/2 year old self, if given the opportunity to speak face to face with her. I think it would go something like this…]

*2019 holly enters a time bubble to bring her to 2015 holly*

Me: Omg hey holly it’s 18 and 1/2 year old you, don’t freak out, I’m only here to forewarn you of what’s to come in the next four years through these helpful pieces of advice and life lessons from which you can learn. I’ve actually lived your life so here are some instructions to guide you…

*

Actions mean everything. Through one’s actions, you are able to deduce so many things, like a person’s: Motives, Desires, and what’s important to them. Through observing these actions, you are able to see where you stand with someone. WORDS MEAN NOTHING. It is ACTION that shows you who a person REALLY is around you and how much they REALLY care about you. For example: If someone tells you all sorts of grandiose sentiments, then repeatedly does things they KNOW will hurt you, that is called a BAD RELATIONSHIP.

The term “relationship” is not exclusive to the romantic kind, and can include Friendships, Marriages, Parent-Child Relationships, etc. If you ever find yourself in a toxic environment or relationship, you need to address the wounds that are festering in that environment/relationship or get out and HEAL YOURSELF.

**

No one is going to give you compliments all the time. It’s up to YOU to develop your OWN guidelines by which to judge yourself- your actions/thoughts/words/motives etc. Whether it’s through following the teachings of a religion or guidelines you make up for yourself, YOU have to give yourself YOUR OWN praise, based on whether you have met the criteria you established for yourself, because no one will praise you. PRAISE YOURSELF when you deserve it, and don’t beat yourself up for months when you fail. HEAL YOURSELF.

***

No one is going to hold your hand and walk you through life. No one is going to guide your baby steps and tell you exactly what you should do in every possible situation. If you want to take a giant leap of faith, you need to TRUST YOURSELF to be able to heal when you fall to the ground and end up broken. If you end up succeeding with flying colors on that leap of faith, CELEBRATE YOURSELF. You need to be able to REPAIR YOURSELF when you do get broken, because not one single person on Earth can completely heal you from your wounds. You have to learn your own methods to HEAL YOURSELF.

****

“Heal Yourself” does NOT mean sitting at home trying to cope with whatever hurt you 100% alone (you end up trying that, girl, &it doesn’t work). “Heal Yourself” means actively seeking out methods that actually CAN heal you, such as therapy/counseling, finding comfort in a religion, relying on friends/family for support, doing more of what you enjoy and cutting out toxic components of your life. No one is going to get the help you need FOR YOU. You have to seek it out yourself and actually commit to the end goal of feeling better and being healed, because you 100% have that incredible power within you.

*****

Okay, that’s all I have time for, I gotta go back to 2019 now, and since you can’t respond to me in this weird time bubble thing, I’ll leave you with a cool trend from this year *hits woah badly*

*14 and 1/2 y/o holly is confused*

*time bubble dissolves*

******

hope u enjoyed this blog post, this is probably the longest i’ve ever spent on one.

100% proud of myself,

-HOLZ