i lost track

WOW ~ mentally i keep putting so much pressure on myself to post on this blog that i just never do anymore. that makes me SAD.

SO, to prove to myself that all my posts on here don’t have to be long, eloquently worded and “perfect,” for today all I will say is:

~~~

I miss my friends back home, in my hometown, my home.

I miss local food, my pool, my bed.

I miss driving, I miss my publix.

I miss my baby boy, Dusty.

I miss home.

~~~

That’s all.

-holz

day 107; // lead me to heaven

Wow.

It is SO EASY to be jealous.

It is SO EASY to envy.

It’s easy to believe lies.

~

If only-you were-rich enough. As we all know rich = fixed. Always.”

If only-you were-good enough. If only you could dance like them. If only you could be like them. It’s too late now, just look around. Started competing when they were 2, and now they’re soooOOOoooo much better than you.”

If only-you were-smart enough. Look at these geniuses who don’t have to study, they’re gonna out there be makin some moneeeey!! It’s easy for them to live, just watch and see.”

~

All of these “people” are simply NOT ME.

Their character traits are just DIFFERENT from mine.

Their lives & mine do not intertwine.

AND THAT’S OKAY…

…because I am very happy with ME.

~~~

I am beginning to realize that I am simply not everyone else. It’s very clear when I write it down like that, but it’s hard to actually believe and be okay with.

My talents are different. My direction is different. My personality is different.

From everyone else

The have traits/talents/things that I don’t, and VICE VERSA. I might be “better” at communicating than that “perfect dancer” I see on my instagram. Perhaps I am “better” at writing than the math genius in my Calculus class. Even though I’m not rich in money, I might experience richer joy in my day-to-day life than the excessively wealthy billionaire I saw in the news.

~~~

I hope you find joy today, whatever your plans may entail.

much love,

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

day 88 ~ a post about brockhampton

this post is just about how much i love brockhampton and their new album ginger. if this post ain’t for u i respect that thanks for stoppin by❤️

~~~ now for the post ~~~

I really want to buy all of brockhampton’s merch.

HOWEVER,, I really can’t afford to buy anything else, since I’ve already bought 2 hoodies and a shirt from their store in the past month and that was a lot of money for me.

Then I realized that supporting a band doesn’t mean owning all of their merch and physical copies of all their music. It means that I respect them as human beings and I appreciate their music.

It’s about what their music means to me when I listen to it. Even though most of the members come from completely different backgrounds and walks of life than me and those messages are conveyed in the music, I can still relate to the broader messages embedded within.

> searching for something greater in life, struggling to deal with past trauma, feeling unwanted and hopeless. <

< ALSO feeling confident af, big angry, and any other emotions !! >

Whether it’s a sick instrumental or beautiful masterfully crafted lyrics, I just LOVE their music so much. It’s hard to put into words ok👏

It also feels weird to get so ~sappy~ over “just a band” and “just an album” and “just some songs.” “Just” those things really help me feel okay when life is hectic, chaotic and stressful. And when life is going well, I love jamming to their hype songs as well ❤

~

agh i would lose my freakin mind if i saw them live or met any of the members.

i’ve had so many dreams where i meet different members of brockhampton, (usually joba💙).

anywayz,

i realize that i don’t know and probably never will know any of the members personally, their music just makes me so <happy> and <calm> and helps me feel <justified> in whatever i’m going through !!

❤️❤️❤️ big bh love ❤️❤️❤️

-holz

day 87

“I don’t know where I’m going” -NO HALO; BROCKHAMPTON

This is my first blog post in college.

I am writing this on my phone sitting in my dorm room bed.

I have very mixed feelings about everything and I just feel so bifurcated having all my stuff split between here and back home.

I’m trying to just take it one day at a time and not get too emotional on either spectrum. (excited/sad)

I miss my dog more than words can say. I feel tears in my eyes whenever I see the picture of him that’s hanging on my dorm wall, or when I just think about how cute and fluffy he is.

I’m worried about all my classes. I’m scared I won’t find time to do everything that needs to get done.

I’m worried time will fly and I’ll look back having regrets about opportunities I didn’t take advantage of, and I’m also worried that time will tick by so slowly that college will feel like prison.

I’m excited to live on my own and make my own decisions. I feel ready to stand up for myself and further evolve into the person I am becoming.

I’m anxious that I won’t manage my money well and I’ll end up spending above my means each month.

I hope that eat healthy and substantial meals everyday.

I hope I remember to put MYSELF first when it comes to making big decisions that affect ME. I hope I remember to put OTHERS first in order to treat everyone with kindness and love.

~

Right now I am listening to the album GINGER by BROCKHAMPTON. I really love this album. I watched all of the live premieres on youtube of all the singles. I have been anticipating this album all summer.

Last night was a very special night, because it was the day I moved into my dorm, AND the night GINGER was released.

At midnight, I laid on my new dorm bed hugging my GINGER merch hoodie I had ordered a few weeks ago, smiling and gaping at how much I loved it, and in those moments I felt so okay.

I realized that I can listen to my favorite band’s new album whenever I want, and I know that everything will be okay.

I wish I could’ve gone to the Friday Therapy concert in LA tonight. Someday, I *WILL* see BROCKHAMPTON live.

xx

Much love,

-holz