day 107; // lead me to heaven

Wow.

It is SO EASY to be jealous.

It is SO EASY to envy.

It’s easy to believe lies.

~

If only-you were-rich enough. As we all know rich = fixed. Always.”

If only-you were-good enough. If only you could dance like them. If only you could be like them. It’s too late now, just look around. Started competing when they were 2, and now they’re soooOOOoooo much better than you.”

If only-you were-smart enough. Look at these geniuses who don’t have to study, they’re gonna out there be makin some moneeeey!! It’s easy for them to live, just watch and see.”

~

All of these “people” are simply NOT ME.

Their character traits are just DIFFERENT from mine.

Their lives & mine do not intertwine.

AND THAT’S OKAY…

…because I am very happy with ME.

~~~

I am beginning to realize that I am simply not everyone else. It’s very clear when I write it down like that, but it’s hard to actually believe and be okay with.

My talents are different. My direction is different. My personality is different.

From everyone else

And it is okay. I am who God created me to be. I find comfort in knowing that HE made me, he created me intentionally and with a purpose. I have a different calling in life than the people around me that are “better” at certain things than I am.

The have traits/talents/things that I don’t, and VICE VERSA. I might be “better” at forgiving others than that “perfect dancer” I see on my instagram. Perhaps I am “better” at writing than the math genius in my Calculus class. Even though I’m not rich in money, I might experience richer joy in my day-to-day life than the excessively wealthy billionaire I saw in the news.

No one is perfect, and I’m learning more and more each day what it means to TRUST GOD when life is going well, AND when it beats me down. He is with me THROUGH IT ALL.

Sometimes I just don’t see it, know it, or feel it. He is there. He LOVES US. & I love Him.

~~~

I hope you find joy today, whatever your plans may entail.

much love,

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

13 “For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

-Psalm 139:13-14

day 105 of my blog

“18 years ago today, 3000 people would be spending their last night with their family.”

Oof.

chills. heavy heart.

Always remember, Never forget.

~

It with sorrow that we, as a nation and as a world, begin our annual remembrance of, and reflection upon, the tragedy that occurred on 9/11/2001. Tomorrow will be 18 years since the terrorist attack took place.

Every September 11th we see special TV programs, heartbreaking social media posts, and ‘new’ personal testimonies/stories shared.

Although I was born almost a whole year before it happened, I’ve only ever known a world drastically and irrevocably adapted to the repercussions of this attack.

Security, Protocols and Precautions are everywhere.

“September 11th TV shows” are all I’ve known. I could not comprehend, at the age of 10 months old, what happened on 9/11/2001. I’ve learned about it in retrospect, through stories from my family members and a few select home videos. (In one video of my mom & I at a ‘mommy and me’ class, you can hear my mom in the background talking about “how the jet fuel was so bad that…”)

Perhaps some part of my brain, deep deep down, remembers what it was like to live through that day.

It’s easy for me to feel distant from 9/11 because I do not remember it happening.

It is important, though, to remember that every year I can get something new out of our nation’s annual mourning and reflection. I might see something from a new perspective, learn something I did not previously know, or be moved to live more compassionately, because the world needs Love.

This year, before 9/11/2019 actually came, I was pierced by the quote I included at the top of this post. It gives me chills. This is a new perspective that I had not seen for the past 18 September Eleventh’s of my life.

Every year is different.

And that is okay.

~

I also added pictures near the top of this post from my visit to the 9/11 Memorial in NYC, July 2017.

~

I hope my point came across.

I’m going to sleep.

Maybe for the last time.

-holz </3

You just never know which day will be your last.

day 95 i’m thriving

… for the most part!!
Obviously there have been some rough moments due to the huge adjustment to college life and other various circumstances beyond my control, though on the whole I am pretty dang proud of myself for doing as well as I am so far.

“So far” is an important little phrase to note here. I want to take everything just one day at a time. I’m taking the good times with a grain of salt, knowing that the bad times will come, and that I can and will get through them.

When I say that I’m doing “well,” I’m judging this based off of only my own internal standards, not external ones. It can be so easy to appear all put together and like you’re “living your best life” on the outside and on social media, but are you really happy? Does partying at the clubs and fixating on empty relationships really, truly satisfy you? I know that going out and partying at clubs will NOT fill the longing in my heart for community and friendship. I have decided NOW, one week into my college experience, what I want it to look like, (generally. I know I can’t control every tiny detail).

My “ideal college experience” is not hooking up with random strangers, partying at clubs and partaking in other similar “normal college” behavior. It is growing in my faith, walking with people who love and support me, and challenging myself to meet my goals and stick to my standards.

I can say that overall, I know in my heart that I’m where I’m meant to be.

It sounds very dramatic, but I really feel that I was called to attend Florida State University. I just love it so much so far. There have been very annoying walks up steep hills and other grievances of the like, yet I feel peaceful knowing that I am right where I belong at this point in my life.

I love feeling confident in God’s love for me. I love truly realizing that His love for me is so real and so unique that literally nothing in this world can truly satisfy me but Him. He DIED for me. He died for us. How often do I take that for granted? A lot, I’ll tell you. But he loves us. He loves us so much and I can’t believe it sometimes.

I have so much to learn, so much to do and so many hills to climb (figuratively and literally). And I am ready for them.

-Holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

“I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour. I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His.” -Saint Catherine of Genoa

day 88 ~ a post about brockhampton

this post is just about how much i love brockhampton and their new album ginger. if this post ain’t for u i respect that thanks for stoppin by❤️

~~~ now for the post ~~~

I really want to buy all of brockhampton’s merch.

HOWEVER,, I really can’t afford to buy anything else, since I’ve already bought 2 hoodies and a shirt from their store in the past month and that was a lot of money for me.

Then I realized that supporting a band doesn’t mean owning all of their merch and physical copies of all their music. It means that I respect them as human beings and I appreciate their music.

It’s about what their music means to me when I listen to it. Even though most of the members come from completely different backgrounds and walks of life than me and those messages are conveyed in the music, I can still relate to the broader messages embedded within.

> searching for something greater in life, struggling to deal with past trauma, feeling unwanted and hopeless. <

< ALSO feeling confident af, big angry, and any other emotions !! >

Whether it’s a sick instrumental or beautiful masterfully crafted lyrics, I just LOVE their music so much. It’s hard to put into words ok👏

It also feels weird to get so ~sappy~ over “just a band” and “just an album” and “just some songs.” “Just” those things really help me feel okay when life is hectic, chaotic and stressful. And when life is going well, I love jamming to their hype songs as well ❤

~

agh i would lose my freakin mind if i saw them live or met any of the members.

i’ve had so many dreams where i meet different members of brockhampton, (usually joba💙).

anywayz,

i realize that i don’t know and probably never will know any of the members personally, their music just makes me so <happy> and <calm> and helps me feel <justified> in whatever i’m going through !!

❤️❤️❤️ big bh love ❤️❤️❤️

-holz

day 87

“I don’t know where I’m going” -NO HALO; BROCKHAMPTON

This is my first blog post in college.

I am writing this on my phone sitting in my dorm room bed.

I have very mixed feelings about everything and I just feel so bifurcated having all my stuff split between here and back home.

I’m trying to just take it one day at a time and not get too emotional on either spectrum. (excited/sad)

I’m going on a retreat through the Catholic Student Union tomorrow and I feel very peaceful about that. I’m really looking forward to it.

I feel like a terrible dancer for all the accolades I lack.

I miss my dog more than words can say. I feel tears in my eyes whenever I see the picture of him that’s hanging on my dorm wall, or when I just think about how cute and fluffy he is. Shoot gotta stop I’m crying.

I’m worried about all my classes. I’m scared I won’t find time to do everything that needs to get done.

I’m worried time will fly and I’ll look back having regrets about opportunities I didn’t take advantage of, and I’m also worried that time will tick by so slowly that college will feel like prison.

I’m excited to live on my own and make my own decisions. I feel ready to stand up for myself and further evolve into the person I am becoming.

I’m anxious that I won’t manage my money well and I’ll end up spending above my means each month.

I hope that eat healthy and substantial meals everyday.

I hope I remember to put MYSELF first when it comes to making big decisions that affect ME. I hope I remember to put OTHERS first in order to treat everyone with kindness and love.

~

Right now I am listening to the album GINGER by BROCKHAMPTON. I really love this album. I watched all of the live premieres on youtube of all the singles. I have been anticipating this album all summer.

Last night was a very special night, because it was the day I moved into my dorm, AND the night GINGER was released.

At midnight, I laid on my new dorm bed hugging my GINGER merch hoodie I had ordered a few weeks ago, smiling and gaping at how much I loved it, and in those moments I felt so okay.

I realized that I can listen to my favorite band’s new album whenever I want, and I know that everything will be okay.

I wish I could’ve gone to the Friday Therapy concert in LA tonight. Someday, I *WILL* see BROCKHAMPTON live.

xx

Much love,

-holz