day 107; // lead me to heaven

Wow.

It is SO EASY to be jealous.

It is SO EASY to envy.

It’s easy to believe lies.

~

If only-you were-rich enough. As we all know rich = fixed. Always.”

If only-you were-good enough. If only you could dance like them. If only you could be like them. It’s too late now, just look around. Started competing when they were 2, and now they’re soooOOOoooo much better than you.”

If only-you were-smart enough. Look at these geniuses who don’t have to study, they’re gonna out there be makin some moneeeey!! It’s easy for them to live, just watch and see.”

~

All of these “people” are simply NOT ME.

Their character traits are just DIFFERENT from mine.

Their lives & mine do not intertwine.

AND THAT’S OKAY…

…because I am very happy with ME.

~~~

I am beginning to realize that I am simply not everyone else. It’s very clear when I write it down like that, but it’s hard to actually believe and be okay with.

My talents are different. My direction is different. My personality is different.

From everyone else

And it is okay. I am who God created me to be. I find comfort in knowing that HE made me, he created me intentionally and with a purpose. I have a different calling in life than the people around me that are “better” at certain things than I am.

The have traits/talents/things that I don’t, and VICE VERSA. I might be “better” at forgiving others than that “perfect dancer” I see on my instagram. Perhaps I am “better” at writing than the math genius in my Calculus class. Even though I’m not rich in money, I might experience richer joy in my day-to-day life than the excessively wealthy billionaire I saw in the news.

No one is perfect, and I’m learning more and more each day what it means to TRUST GOD when life is going well, AND when it beats me down. He is with me THROUGH IT ALL.

Sometimes I just don’t see it, know it, or feel it. He is there. He LOVES US. & I love Him.

~~~

I hope you find joy today, whatever your plans may entail.

much love,

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

13 “For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

-Psalm 139:13-14

day 105 of my blog

“18 years ago today, 3000 people would be spending their last night with their family.”

Oof.

chills. heavy heart.

Always remember, Never forget.

~

It with sorrow that we, as a nation and as a world, begin our annual remembrance of, and reflection upon, the tragedy that occurred on 9/11/2001. Tomorrow will be 18 years since the terrorist attack took place.

Every September 11th we see special TV programs, heartbreaking social media posts, and ‘new’ personal testimonies/stories shared.

Although I was born almost a whole year before it happened, I’ve only ever known a world drastically and irrevocably adapted to the repercussions of this attack.

Security, Protocols and Precautions are everywhere.

“September 11th TV shows” are all I’ve known. I could not comprehend, at the age of 10 months old, what happened on 9/11/2001. I’ve learned about it in retrospect, through stories from my family members and a few select home videos. (In one video of my mom & I at a ‘mommy and me’ class, you can hear my mom in the background talking about “how the jet fuel was so bad that…”)

Perhaps some part of my brain, deep deep down, remembers what it was like to live through that day.

It’s easy for me to feel distant from 9/11 because I do not remember it happening.

It is important, though, to remember that every year I can get something new out of our nation’s annual mourning and reflection. I might see something from a new perspective, learn something I did not previously know, or be moved to live more compassionately, because the world needs Love.

This year, before 9/11/2019 actually came, I was pierced by the quote I included at the top of this post. It gives me chills. This is a new perspective that I had not seen for the past 18 September Eleventh’s of my life.

Every year is different.

And that is okay.

~

I also added pictures near the top of this post from my visit to the 9/11 Memorial in NYC, July 2017.

~

I hope my point came across.

I’m going to sleep.

Maybe for the last time.

-holz </3

You just never know which day will be your last.

day 95 i’m thriving

… for the most part!!
Obviously there have been some rough moments due to the huge adjustment to college life and other various circumstances beyond my control, though on the whole I am pretty dang proud of myself for doing as well as I am so far.

“So far” is an important little phrase to note here. I want to take everything just one day at a time. I’m taking the good times with a grain of salt, knowing that the bad times will come, and that I can and will get through them.

When I say that I’m doing “well,” I’m judging this based off of only my own internal standards, not external ones. It can be so easy to appear all put together and like you’re “living your best life” on the outside and on social media, but are you really happy? Does partying at the clubs and fixating on empty relationships really, truly satisfy you? I know that going out and partying at clubs will NOT fill the longing in my heart for community and friendship. I have decided NOW, one week into my college experience, what I want it to look like, (generally. I know I can’t control every tiny detail).

My “ideal college experience” is not hooking up with random strangers, partying at clubs and partaking in other similar “normal college” behavior. It is growing in my faith, walking with people who love and support me, and challenging myself to meet my goals and stick to my standards.

I can say that overall, I know in my heart that I’m where I’m meant to be.

It sounds very dramatic, but I really feel that I was called to attend Florida State University. I just love it so much so far. There have been very annoying walks up steep hills and other grievances of the like, yet I feel peaceful knowing that I am right where I belong at this point in my life.

I love feeling confident in God’s love for me. I love truly realizing that His love for me is so real and so unique that literally nothing in this world can truly satisfy me but Him. He DIED for me. He died for us. How often do I take that for granted? A lot, I’ll tell you. But he loves us. He loves us so much and I can’t believe it sometimes.

I have so much to learn, so much to do and so many hills to climb (figuratively and literally). And I am ready for them.

-Holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

“I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour. I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His.” -Saint Catherine of Genoa