day 88 ~ a post about brockhampton

this post is just about how much i love brockhampton and their new album ginger. if this post ain’t for u i respect that thanks for stoppin by❤️

~~~ now for the post ~~~

I really want to buy all of brockhampton’s merch.

HOWEVER,, I really can’t afford to buy anything else, since I’ve already bought 2 hoodies and a shirt from their store in the past month and that was a lot of money for me.

Then I realized that supporting a band doesn’t mean owning all of their merch and physical copies of all their music. It means that I respect them as human beings and I appreciate their music.

It’s about what their music means to me when I listen to it. Even though most of the members come from completely different backgrounds and walks of life than me and those messages are conveyed in the music, I can still relate to the broader messages embedded within.

> searching for something greater in life, struggling to deal with past trauma, feeling unwanted and hopeless. <

< ALSO feeling confident af, big angry, and any other emotions !! >

Whether it’s a sick instrumental or beautiful masterfully crafted lyrics, I just LOVE their music so much. It’s hard to put into words ok👏

It also feels weird to get so ~sappy~ over “just a band” and “just an album” and “just some songs.” “Just” those things really help me feel okay when life is hectic, chaotic and stressful. And when life is going well, I love jamming to their hype songs as well ❤

~

agh i would lose my freakin mind if i saw them live or met any of the members.

i’ve had so many dreams where i meet different members of brockhampton, (usually joba💙).

anywayz,

i realize that i don’t know and probably never will know any of the members personally, their music just makes me so <happy> and <calm> and helps me feel <justified> in whatever i’m going through !!

❤️❤️❤️ big bh love ❤️❤️❤️

-holz

day 87

“I don’t know where I’m going” -NO HALO; BROCKHAMPTON

This is my first blog post in college.

I am writing this on my phone sitting in my dorm room bed.

I have very mixed feelings about everything and I just feel so bifurcated having all my stuff split between here and back home.

I’m trying to just take it one day at a time and not get too emotional on either spectrum. (excited/sad)

I’m going on a retreat through the Catholic Student Union tomorrow and I feel very peaceful about that. I’m really looking forward to it.

I feel like a terrible dancer for all the accolades I lack.

I miss my dog more than words can say. I feel tears in my eyes whenever I see the picture of him that’s hanging on my dorm wall, or when I just think about how cute and fluffy he is. Shoot gotta stop I’m crying.

I’m worried about all my classes. I’m scared I won’t find time to do everything that needs to get done.

I’m worried time will fly and I’ll look back having regrets about opportunities I didn’t take advantage of, and I’m also worried that time will tick by so slowly that college will feel like prison.

I’m excited to live on my own and make my own decisions. I feel ready to stand up for myself and further evolve into the person I am becoming.

I’m anxious that I won’t manage my money well and I’ll end up spending above my means each month.

I hope that eat healthy and substantial meals everyday.

I hope I remember to put MYSELF first when it comes to making big decisions that affect ME. I hope I remember to put OTHERS first in order to treat everyone with kindness and love.

~

Right now I am listening to the album GINGER by BROCKHAMPTON. I really love this album. I watched all of the live premieres on youtube of all the singles. I have been anticipating this album all summer.

Last night was a very special night, because it was the day I moved into my dorm, AND the night GINGER was released.

At midnight, I laid on my new dorm bed hugging my GINGER merch hoodie I had ordered a few weeks ago, smiling and gaping at how much I loved it, and in those moments I felt so okay.

I realized that I can listen to my favorite band’s new album whenever I want, and I know that everything will be okay.

I wish I could’ve gone to the Friday Therapy concert in LA tonight. Someday, I *WILL* see BROCKHAMPTON live.

xx

Much love,

-holz

day 84

i leave for college tomorrow !! AHH

today my mom and i drove all over town doing a bunch of things on my “to do before i leave” list, which was mostly just going to my favorite local restaurants one more time before i go. i really didn’t think i’d get to go to any of them before i left, but to my happy surprise we ended up checking off almost every restaurant on the list! yay!

this morning we went to one of my favorite açai bowl places for breakfast. next we went to the beach so i could to say ‘goodbye for now’ to the atlantic ocean, because i will be relatively close to the gulf of mexico. then we went to my favorite beachside burrito place for lunch, and after we headed for my followup appointment for my wisdom teeth.

at the followup appointment, the nurse said that i’m healing nicely and everything looks good! whew! i also do not have to continue taking the antibiotic that makes me extremely nauseous! WHEW!

next i went to say goodbye to my grandpa and uncle. tomorrow i will say goodbye to my other grandpa & grandma when we drop dusty (my dog) off at their house for them to kindly watch him while my parents help me get settled in tallahassee.

thank goodness for a fun day with my momma. now time to finish packing up and enjoy my last night at home for a while.

i’m definitely planning to come home for thanksgiving & Christmas break, and i also might come home sometime in october because we get a random day off somewhere within that month. my parents & other family members are coming up for the FSU v. NSCU game on 9/28 so i’ll see them soon! i’m gonna miss dusty sooo much hopefully my mom can bring him if she comes to visit!

~ t-minus 1 day ~

excited & scared, ^̮^

happy & sad. ◔̯◔

-holz (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Ephesians 2:14 – “For he is our peace.”

day 83

whew.

this past week has really taken a toll on me.

throughout the week i’ve experienced some of the most miserable physical pain i’ve ever felt in my life. i’m not going to elaborate because everyone experiences pain differently and i don’t want to sound dramatic by trying to describe it. i’d also rather forget the unpleasant details as time goes on. thankfully i think the worst of my recovery is finally behind me. #thankyouGod

i want to have a record of this experience on here so that when times are “good,” i can reflect back on the “low points” in my life to appreciate the “high points” even more. ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

i’m ready to move on from laying in my bed all day and feeling physically terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

TIME FOR COLLEGE NOW ~~ T-MINUS 2 DAYS ~~ ʘ‿ʘ

-Holz

… (⚆ _ ⚆ )

day 81

i got my wisdom teeth out on monday 8/12.

the surgery went well and there haven’t been any complications so far. *knocks wood*

i’ve taken so many prescription pain pills and antibiotics in the past 6 days. they make me so dizzy my mom had to start cutting them in half.

i spent the days sleeping in 3-4 hour intervals, taking another pain pill then sleeping again.

i feel a little better each day.

here’s to feeling even better tomorrow.

-holz

day 74 *

This past week I attended my dance studio’s summer intensive, which consists of classes taught by guest teachers brought in from around the country. During their time here they teach us classes and choreograph some of our competition team’s dances for the upcoming season. This year I’m not going to be on the competition team because I’m going off to college and, well, I’m too old for it now. I still took all the classes from the guest teachers though because there is so much to learn from them and each of their lovely unique styles.

In each class we are taught a combination, and usually I hate doing combos because picking up choreography quickly is something I’ve always struggled with. During this intensive though, I tried to let go of my mental blocks that always prohibit me from tapping into my full potential, and just DANCE.

I pushed away all my obsessive negative thoughts that I always tell myself, from, “Look, she did that better than you, you suck” to “You’re so bad at picking up choreography there’s no way you can do this” to “You’re so terrible you should stop dancing altogether” and I just focused.

I focused on the combo, I focused on myself, and I didn’t focus on obsessing over how “bad” I am. I put all my energy into those classes. I’m especially proud of the mental energy I put into them. It opened doors for me and I’m starting to have more hope in myself, not just in dance but in other aspects of life as well. Dance is empowering, if you have the right attitude and aren’t always tearing yourself down, which is something I’ve had to relearn over and over and over again this year.

I’m still growing.

It turns out I was the only one truly holding myself back. *

-HOLZ

* Not Them.

✧゚・: * day 69

i had a great trip to the keys!!

i haven’t posted on here in a while, but i have been keeping track of the highlight of each day since the start of our key west trip so i’m gonna share those here!!

~~~

july 30 – swimming and laughing in the hotel pool with my friend Asia

july 31 – getting açai bowls @ tropical vibes in key west, and working out in the hotel fitness center with Asia & my dad

august 1st – scootering around key west with Asia, & my mom and dad

august 2nd – walking the mile loop around our hotel before we left for the 9 hour drive home

august 3rd – making açai bowls at home and cleaning our cars with my dad

august 4th – having fun at Asia’s going away party

~~~

↯ SOME PICS ↯

i’m back now (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

-holz *:・゚✧