day 30

(ah)

i feel so much pressure for these blog posts to be “good.” it’s scary to do something genuine and honest because it hurts more if you receive criticism for it. sometimes it can be easier to do things that are less ‘real’ and less important to you. i have decided that i am going to stick to my original intentions for creating this website, which was to make a little place for me to just write/create whatever the heck i want.

~

so

today, i went to the beach,

and i went swimming in my clothes,

and i played with the younger girls, laughed with the older girls, danced with all the girls on stage.

~

tomorrow is my absolute last time dancing with my team.

it will never be the same again. oof.

that’s a lot to swallow.

~

i’m getting my hair cut on saturday.

</–holz3->

day 28

GASP – Hold it …

grey …..

you didn’t pick me.

flash of RED – Let it out.

(⁎˃ᆺ˂)

breathe breather breathest !!!!

!! … !!

-“No,” is more, they say.

“Yes,” is less.

-Well ! “No” is a LOT more because a SINGLE YES, I’ve never heard.

From me to you now here’s the truth: The hypocrites aren’t genuine, they’re actually irrelevant. The ones who smile at second one are the first to say they’re done — with you. So maybe it is a good thing that you didn’t pick me now. I’ll be the first to walk away from two-faced you, leaving your dishonesty. On the floor. Where you belong, Not above Me, because us, we are EQUAL. So respond, or recoil. “Yes” there’s a different side to me.

It’s the same: more “No” ‘s, nose blows and sadness waves, less being the hopeful one. Better you and worser me, it’s okay I’m being free.

The worst they can say is “No” – I’ve heard – …”No” it’s a good thing. I don’t know your life but I know mine. “No” can make you stronger and freer. It can liberate you, if used sparingly. Too many “No” ‘s in a row, though, really takes a toll on me.

-h

***sometimes it’s hard for me to describe things in a paragraph form. (ex/ “this happened and this is how it made me feel …”) complete sentences often don’t do a justice to the way an emotion actually feels for me, so i just kinda write things out like this in my own style. i don’t wanna say it’s “poetry” per say. it’s more like lyrics, because i read stuff that i write like this in a particular way when i read it in my head, with certain pauses and emphasis on different words. though this may not tell a story in a flat-out, verbatim way, it tells a very genuine story for me & i hope anyone who finds themself reading this can at least recognize and appreciate that. (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

i am also hesitant to post a blog post like this, but hey, if i get so many “No” ‘s anyway, why not?

day 27 feelin’ like heaven

woooo hoooo annnd im back with another blog post coming at you live from fort lauderdale florida. today was the “beginning to the end” so to speak. Today was the first day of my last ever nationals dance competition. #graduatedsenior 😎

i am so happy with the performances i gave on both of my solos today and could really care less about the letters on the medals i received (names of different score placements). i just did the best i could and i am so proud of myself for that.

^^ this whole mindset here really ties into my day 16 post, in which i went off about how life is:

[In life] No one is going to give you compliments all the time. It’s up to YOU to develop your OWN guidelines by which to judge yourself … YOU have to give yourself YOUR OWN praise, based on whether you have met the criteria you established for yourself, because no one will praise you. PRAISE YOURSELF when you deserve it …

— Me 11 days ago

with that being said….

YAY ME!!!!!!

Also I think I may have messed up my days numbering somewhere when i missed some days……

ehhh

-holz !

*(dO excuse me for quoting myself in this post kind madame/sir, i simply am quite in love with the above block of text that I wrote 11 days ago)

**EDIT: i completely DID mess up the days so i went back and fixed it. i only messed up yesterday, which was actually day 26, not 24, as I had originally stated. so, THAT MEANS that today is day 27 of my blog posts. whew. glad i fixed that.

ok day 26

i shall be honest with thou. i have been slacking on my blog game bc i’ve been dreading assimilating to wordpress. alas, i shall “suck it up” and persevere in this blogquest, despite an apparent challenge.

when i logged onto wordpress tonight, suggestions appeared of what wordpress thought i should search for.

It read:

“Suggestions: MonkeysFashionVegan.”

~ Then I decided to write some little stories for you ~

—They say women can’t make money like men do. Because a woman’s place is in the kitchen, with a man above her (in terms of power). Her sole purpose is to serve him and all the other men in society, because that’s what a patriarchy looks like in full swing. Women can’t have real jobs like the men. They make the clothes and feed the kids. That’s what they said back then.

—I once heard a loud cry in the middle of the night, and, having been roused from a vivid dream where I had been traversing another land a few moments ago deep in the realms of my subconscious, I realized that it was not the exotic cry of an animal in the jungle, but alas, my dog who had made the sound, whimpering at me to let him out. I obliged, groggy-eyed, and opened the door.

—The plants are good. They give us air, they fill our lungs with more than molecules, they sustain us in a way that shows us they are simply more than a biological necessity. Why shouldn’t we devour our food with a reverence to power it provides us?

do you see what i did there?

SKSIR

-holz ~(˘▾˘~)

day 18 (!?!)

ok ok ok i’m actually writing this day 18 post in WORDPRESS not WIX so i’m kinda frazzled. I’m giving WordPress another chance.

I’ve used WordPress in the past, as well as many other website platforms, and I think I’m gonna make THIS my main website now because the business plan on wordpress is cheaper than Wix 😦 i LOVE Wix and i’m gonna miss it. Hopefully I get used to this.

and i actually have like 5 websites through wordpress that I forgot about?? weird.

This is what a quote looks like on here. Ooo kinda fancy but i still miss wix

Holz circa 2019

That shall be all.

-holz

day 17 celebration

happy half birthday to meee 🥳

the stranger things cast is going to be on jimmy fallon tonight at 11:30pm edt so i am really excited for that!! #happyhalfbirthdaytomeiamreallyexcitedaboutit

today i will list some *little things* for which i am *grateful/appreciate* 🙂

~my hoodie is so soft & comfy (~˘▾˘)~

~the ac in my house is working (•◡•) /

~dusty is alive & well & as cute as ever (✿´‿`)

~i still really like the vibrant color of my phone ^̮^

~living life (。◕‿◕。)

that shall be all.

thank you, you may go.

-holz

*< 🙂

In Defense of Myself (day 16)

Tomorrow I turn 18 and 1/2 years old.

Today I decided to compile a list of LIFE LESSONS I have learned in the past 4.

[The following is what I would assertively tell my 14 and 1/2 year old self, if given the opportunity to speak face to face with her. I think it would go something like this…]

*2019 holly enters a time bubble to bring her to 2015 holly*

Me: Omg hey holly it’s 18 and 1/2 year old you, don’t freak out, I’m only here to forewarn you of what’s to come in the next four years through these helpful pieces of advice and life lessons from which you can learn. I’ve actually lived your life so here are some instructions to guide you…

*

Actions mean everything. Through one’s actions, you are able to deduce so many things, like a person’s: Motives, Desires, and what’s important to them. Through observing these actions, you are able to see where you stand with someone. WORDS MEAN NOTHING. It is ACTION that shows you who a person REALLY is around you and how much they REALLY care about you. For example: If someone tells you all sorts of grandiose sentiments, then repeatedly does things they KNOW will hurt you, that is called a BAD RELATIONSHIP.

The term “relationship” is not exclusive to the romantic kind, and can include Friendships, Marriages, Parent-Child Relationships, etc. If you ever find yourself in a toxic environment or relationship, you need to address the wounds that are festering in that environment/relationship or get out and HEAL YOURSELF.

**

No one is going to give you compliments all the time. It’s up to YOU to develop your OWN guidelines by which to judge yourself- your actions/thoughts/words/motives etc. Whether it’s through following the teachings of a religion or guidelines you make up for yourself, YOU have to give yourself YOUR OWN praise, based on whether you have met the criteria you established for yourself, because no one will praise you. PRAISE YOURSELF when you deserve it, and don’t beat yourself up for months when you fail. HEAL YOURSELF.

***

No one is going to hold your hand and walk you through life. No one is going to guide your baby steps and tell you exactly what you should do in every possible situation. If you want to take a giant leap of faith, you need to TRUST YOURSELF to be able to heal when you fall to the ground and end up broken. If you end up succeeding with flying colors on that leap of faith, CELEBRATE YOURSELF. You need to be able to REPAIR YOURSELF when you do get broken, because not one single person on Earth can completely heal you from your wounds. You have to learn your own methods to HEAL YOURSELF.

****

“Heal Yourself” does NOT mean sitting at home trying to cope with whatever hurt you 100% alone (you end up trying that, girl, &it doesn’t work). “Heal Yourself” means actively seeking out methods that actually CAN heal you, such as therapy/counseling, finding comfort in a religion, relying on friends/family for support, doing more of what you enjoy and cutting out toxic components of your life. No one is going to get the help you need FOR YOU. You have to seek it out yourself and actually commit to the end goal of feeling better and being healed, because you 100% have that incredible power within you.

*****

Okay, that’s all I have time for, I gotta go back to 2019 now, and since you can’t respond to me in this weird time bubble thing, I’ll leave you with a cool trend from this year *hits woah badly*

*14 and 1/2 y/o holly is confused*

*time bubble dissolves*

******

hope u enjoyed this blog post, this is probably the longest i’ve ever spent on one.

100% proud of myself,

-HOLZ